Monday, April 4, 2011

Comic Relief

I have a confession to make.

I like... no, I love... comic books. Ever since I was a kid they've appealed to me. It started with the X-Men animated series, and later I moved to print comics. Now I just pick up the occasional bound book at Half-Priced Books, partly because I can't afford to buy them regularly and partly because watching Hoarders has left me terrified to keep or buy anything that isn't absolutely necessary to my existence. I used to hide my interest in comics because it makes me a social pariah, but damn it, my name is Justin, and sometimes I read comic books. Deal with it.

X-Men continue to be my favorite, because they're fucked-up freaks and I'm totally into that, but lately my interest has turned towards the Avengers as well.

My roommate has been instructed to assassinate me if I ever purchase a Fantastic Four book.

Some of my most recent purchases include some books from the 90s, full of the colorful costumes and hip phrases that made the 90s great (yeah I remember the 90s I'm not that young).
Oh yeah, this is the good stuff.
The other day I started browsing my new purchases. One of my favorite parts about comics is how unintentionally hilarious they can be. Check out this sexy gem from the X-Men starring resident femme fatale Psylocke:
A mission? Let me change into my sexy lingerie.
I love this because in the moment of crisis she takes the time to explain why the artist drew her in a bikini. Honestly it'd be more believable if she was just like "Hey, I'm supposed to look sexy in this panel, I came as quickly as I could." Meanwhile Colossus (wearing the yellow and red) is sporting a leg-revealing, side-exposing costume because that's a totally normal thing to wear. This also makes me laugh because as a character, Psylocke started out like this:
You ain't getting lucky until Marvel gives your dumpy ass a makeover.
Furthermore, I don't really get the idea of comics being "sexy." They're illustrations... do people really get off on that? Apparently (and I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this) the answer is yes, because as I was looking for additional cheesy pictures, I found this:
Mmm... so deliciously distorted. Send those vein-covered arms this way Cage baby.
Where did I find that image? From a blog called, I'm not making this up, Shirtless Superheroes. Despite being a totally weird website, I have to admit that they live up to their name and have found their niche, so bravo? Further research uncovered dozens of similar sites, but then I started feeling gross and closed all my tabs.

Silliness of "sexy" comics aside, let's move on and take a glance at what I found in my Avengers book. "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" have a lot to bring to the table. They might not be the fucked-up freaks that the X-Men are, but damn it, they try.
In case you're wondering, yes, she's hammered.
Marvel's attempt at a serious story on alcoholism.
This is only one example of the multiple incidents of Warbird storming into a mission plastered out of her mind, each time more hysterical than the next. It's hard to take a drinking problem seriously when it's being presented by a woman in a leotard tossing trucks around.

And then there's panels like the one below, that are not only over-the-top and completely goofy, but almost acknowledge the ridiculousness of it all:
I'm pretty sure I've used this excuse.
I'm starting to feel like the drunk guy who's cornered you at a party and is talking your ears off about nerd stuff, so I'm just going to wrap this up. But not before I share one more picture from another recent purchase that features the Hulk's alter-ego Bruce Banner, and his on-again/off-again girlfriend, Betty:
I have nothing to add.
I've got to go now. For some reason I'm starving and really craving an early lunch. Could really go for something meaty, you know?

Tune in next time and we'll talk about the time Multiple Man got drunk, made a duplicate of himself, and had sex with two women in the same night.

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