I Throw Stuff at Your Kids for a Living

At the beginning of the year I started a part-time job with a before-and-after school program.

I have to wake up at six in the morning. I've had to clear the snow and ice off my car in the early morning and endure cold, dark commutes for shifts that are only 2-4 hours.

And the pay? Don't get me wrong, having an additional paycheck is nice, but I won't be rolling around naked in piles of twenty-dollar bills anytime soon.

But this is one of the best jobs ever.

My first day I relaxed in a beanbag chair and had a conversation with some 5th grade girls about how boys are stupid. Because they like, totally are.

I get paid to build roller coasters with K'NEX (almost finished!), draw silly pictures, play board games, and sometimes in gym I even get to throw projectiles at children.

That's how you play dodge-ball. Stop judging me.

A few years ago I spent a night in jail coloring with prisoners. Now I'm spending mornings getting paid to color with children. Somebody call Oprah, because somebody turned this life around. I'm inspirational as fuck.

This week I got my first artwork gift from a student. It's a picture of a dog, and it's hanging from my refrigerator now. It's the best picture of a dog ever, and if you try to claim otherwise I'll break your legs and leave you behind a dumpster (I'll have to hide your body, because obviously I won't want the kids to see).

I'm like a mom, but without the vagina or responsibility.

At this point I decided I need a kid to raise like, yesterday. And a dog, preferably one like in the picture.

But I'm assuming a child falls somewhere under the "no pet" rule in our lease, so I guess it'll have to wait. I have a history of impulsive decisions anyway, I'd probably get bored with parenting in like a week.

Dude get out of here I'm not your dad anymore. You need to go find a new family so I can watch some TV, and I know Arrested Development isn't appropriate for your age group.

For 13 hours a week I'm responsible for the health, safety and development of some brilliant, hilarious, and good-hearted kids. I'll try not to fuck them up.

Everyone else, and when I say everyone I mean everyone, please try to do the same.